


You're the Last Thing I Wanna See

by Binary_Sunset



Series: Shipping Off to Boston [6]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Dysfunctional Family, Family Dinners, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-25 20:34:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16205171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Binary_Sunset/pseuds/Binary_Sunset
Summary: Oliver leaves Elio behind to spend the first night of Hannukah with his family.





	You're the Last Thing I Wanna See

**Author's Note:**

> No apologies for lateness this time! Horray for finishing things in a timely manner! The only apologies here are for the angst.
> 
> Face claims for Oliver's siblings: [Lily James](https://www.albawaba.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/article_headline_node_big//sites/default/files/im/AmyM/SSObama/DilQ-IiUYAAp-uT.jpg) as Sadie and [Jeremy Sumpter](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/770122065185767424/Oyk8RI-Z_400x400.jpg) as Michael.
> 
> Title is from the appropriately-festive [Yule Shoot Your Eye Out](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SW3X7-gk8q0) by Fall Out Boy. No warm fuzzy holiday feelings this time around, unfortunately.

 

They’d had a good day. It had been an absurdly warm December day, and he and Elio had gone down to the North End for gelato. When they’d gotten home, Oliver flopped back on the couch and groaned.

“I don’t want to visit my parents tonight.”

Elio cracked open a can of Coke and sat beside him. “You could always just ditch them. Tell them you caught a stomach bug or something.”

He sighed. “But then they’ll just want to see me for New Years, and I’d rather be kissing you at midnight.”

“So you're sacrificing the first night of Hanukkah for that?”

Oliver shrugged. “There are seven more nights, Elio. I promise I’ll spend the rest with you.”

The boy gave him a peck on the lips, the sticky-sweet soda lingering after his lips left. “You better.”

Oliver got up. Elio followed him to the bedroom, Coke can still in hand. “What’s so bad about your parents anyway?”

Oliver groaned as he swapped out his t-shirt for a collared shirt and his jeans for khakis. “I just… they haven’t been a part of my life in years. Looking back on it, the only reason I married Ariana was because they kept pressuring me too. They don’t know we’re separated yet and I don’t know how to tell them.”

Elio curled in on himself a little. Oliver knew it must’ve hurt him to know that Oliver had something difficult ahead of him that he couldn’t do anything about. “I wish I could come with you.”

Oliver finished changing, walked forward, and kissed Elio’s curls. “I wish you could too. But I have to do this alone.”

“Why?” Elio whimpered. Oliver should’ve thought it was the most annoying thing in the world, but he found Elio’s brattiness somewhat charming.

“I don’t want you to get hurt. My father...” Oliver sighed. “Well, Candice would say that he has a very narrow view of masculinity. He was already leery of me playing soccer in high school because ‘no real man plays a sport in shiny short shorts’. I wouldn’t hear the end of it until I made captain. I can’t imagine what he’d do to you.”

Unfortunately, he could. His father was by no means a violent person, but the way he viewed men who he perceived as “too feminine”... especially gay men…

Oliver couldn’t imagine dragging his sweet, wide-eyed boy into that.

Elio nodded slowly. “I understand. But I’ll be here for you when you get home.”

Oliver smiled and gave Elio another kiss on the head. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I might be home pretty late. You really don’t have to stay up for me.”

“I’m going to anyway.”

Oliver knew better than to tell his boy not to do something. It only made Elio want to do it more.

“Alright. I’ll see you when I get home.”

 

* * *

 

Driving up to the house was almost surreal. He’d spent every holiday with Ariana’s parents since they’d been married. It had been five years since he’d even seen this place in person. Did he miss it?

Not really. He had better memories of his dorm room at boarding school than this place. It was one of those too-large houses nested deep in the suburbs, so similar to its neighbours that it seemed to reject anything even vaguely abnormal. Even just pulling up to the front of the house made his skin crawl.

It was Oliver’s sister who greeted him at the door, which almost made him start tearing up on his own. When he’d seen her last, she’d just graduated from high school. He’d made a concerted effort to actually come up for her graduation, and she’d looked so young then, her hair done in blonde waves beneath her cap. Now she looked so much older, her hair in its natural straight state and pulled back away from her face. She had a large pair of glasses on and was wearing a smart cardigan over a pencil skirt. There was a smell wafting off of her that Oliver recognised: the perfume their mother preferred.

What had happened to Sadie’s fun, sweet self? Had she killed off that part of her since they’d last seen each other? Or was she putting it to sleep temporarily to please their parents.

Was she even still living with them?

He felt a sudden pang in his chest. Five years was a long time, and he didn’t even know where his sister was living. Some brother he was.

Oliver took a breath. Now wasn’t the time to beat himself up over abandoning his family for five years. He’d work that out later, probably with Candice.

“Hey Sadie, where are Mom and Dad?”

She crossed her arms and leaned against the door. “Busy fawning over Michael’s new girlfriend.” She looked around Oliver. “Are you alone tonight? Is Ari busy?”

Oliver let out a sigh. He’d told his family that he was moving back up to Boston, but he had only told them about his new job. Normally he’d wait to tell his family about this, but Sadie generally took his side during arguments. She was the only one in the family who he could hold a genuine conversation with that didn’t turn into a shouting with.  “We got divorced.”

She looked shocked for a moment, then her face softened. “How are you holding up?”

She must’ve thought Ariana was divorcing him, rather than a more mutual thing. He’d always made sure that they appeared to be the perfect couple around his family.

And Sadie had _loved_ Ariana. Being the youngest in the family as well as the only girl, it must’ve been wonderful for her to have someone she could look up to. She’d been a junior in high school when they got engaged, and Sadie was always looking for excuses to spend time alone with her sister-in-law.

He should tell Sadie the truth, or at least part of it. No need for her to feel like she’d lost her best friend.

“We’re alright. It was a mutual thing, and we’re still on good terms.”

Before he knew it, Sadie had her arms wrapped around him in a tight hug. “I’m just glad to have you back, Ollie.”

He gave her a pat on the shoulder. “I missed you. Sorry I never came around to visit.”

She crossed her arms and leaned against the doorway. “It’s fine.” She looked back into the house. “Now do you wanna watch Mom and Dad kiss Michael’s girlfriend’s ass or what?”

Oliver laughed and bumped Sadie’s shoulder with his own. “I’m always here to watch Mom and Dad makes fools of themselves, Sade. You know that.”

She chuckled and lead him inside.

He hadn’t been in the living room for years, but seeing his parents on one couch and his brother on their armchair made his blood run cold purely on instinct. He’d had too many bad memories in this room, and he was so distracted from that distant, dull ache of past trauma that he’d hardly noticed Michael’s girlfriend.

She was everything Oliver was expected to find attractive: tall-but-not-too-tall, white, blond, her breasts barely-visible lumps beneath her conservative blouse. She was chatting amicably with Oliver’s parents, a glass of red wine balanced between her slender fingers.

She’d been in the middle of saying something when Sadie and Oliver walked into the room.

“Guess who’s back!” Sadie announced, gesturing to her brother.

Michael, his girlfriend, and both of Oliver’s parents turned to look at Oliver. He gave them a weak wave. “Hi. Sorry it’s been so long.”

Oliver’s father’s face hardened. His dark hair was greying at the temples, more so than when Oliver had seen him last. The frown lines that had only begun to dimple his forehead five years ago were now solidly in place, making him look perpetually annoyed. “Oliver, it’s been nearly half a decade.”

A pit formed in Oliver’s stomach. He took a breath. “I know. I’m sorry. I was at school and then I got married and moved and went to school again, and Ari kept wanting to see her family…”

“You could have made the time, Oliver. And you chose not to.”

His father’s tone hurt more than any injury he could’ve inflicted. Because he knew it was true. He _could_ have made the time, come to visit during a break or forewent the trip to Florida with Ari. But he knew he didn’t want to come back for this _exact_ reason. His father always knew exactly how to make him feel like shit.

He tried not to let his emotions show. “I know. But I’m here now. I’m back in Boston.” He wasn’t going to ask for forgiveness: he knew he’d never receive it.

His mother walked over and put a hand on her husband’s shoulder. “Well, Ollie, we’re glad to have you back.”

And here was Oliver’s mother, ever the placater.  He’d never been quite able to tell whose side she was on at times like these, but he always felt like it wasn’t his.

Oliver faked a smile, thanked her, and sat down. “So, uh, Michael. Who’s this?” He tried to deflect. He felt bad for the poor girl, though. She probably hadn’t signed up for the family drama, but it was a rite of passage that all Cohen spouses seemed to be put through, it seemed. She was already faring almost as well as Ariana, who’d known his parents since they were in elementary school together.

Michael patted his girlfriend’s knee. “This is Amanda. She just finished her nursing degree at Quinnipiac.”

She was twenty-one then? She looked older than that, but perhaps it was the professional clothes and her makeup. She wouldn’t have stuck out like a sore thumb in a bar the way that Elio had.

Oliver reached his hand out to her. “I’m Oliver. It’s a pleasure.”

Amanda shook it and gave him a smile. “It’s great to meet you. Mike has told me so much about you.”

He wondered what, exactly, Michael had told her. _That’s my brother, Oliver. He’s been strategically avoiding our family ever since he got married. He went out and got a worthless undergrad degree in classics and now he gets paid to teach people about_ The Iliad _._ And that would be the nice version.

They made small talk, and Oliver’s mind drifted back to Elio. He wondered what he’d be doing, alone, on the first night of Hannukah. He took a moment to pull his phone out and shoot him a text.

_Oliver Cohen: Hey Elio. Miss you. Family is Hell._

The reply came back immediately.

_Elio Perlman: im sorry_

_Elio Perlman: My dad says hi. We facetimed and sang the prayers._

_Oliver Cohen: I missed a chance to meet your dad! Damn!_

_Elio Perlman: Hes in Palo Alto for a conference in Stanford. We can facetime him again in the next few weeks_

Olive had to bite his cheeks to keep from smiling. There were still good things in this world, even as he was alternatively ignored and chastised. And getting to meet his hero, the very man who’d unintentionally sparked his love of classics, that was something to look forward to.

It felt like he could get through this.

They eventually moved over from the family room to the dining room. He’d already had a couple glasses of wine, just to dull himself out during dinner.

His mother had made a tuna casserole, which he had never liked even as a child. It was aggressively goyishe, and he’d never understood his mother’s love for the thing.

He scooped out a modest helping of the casserole and picked at it, trying to keep his head down to keep his family’s attention off of him. It seemed to work at first. His parents were so enamoured with Amanda and all her achievements: graduating near the top of her class, leading her sorority to be one of the most successful philanthropic organisations on campus, and even getting a job at a hospital in New Haven. She was so bubbly and sweet in the face of their family. Oliver felt a hum of anger in his veins. How dare his brother drag this sweet girl into this! There was no way he was ignorant to what their family was like!

As Oliver finished what was either his third or fourth glass of wine, he felt Michael’s eyes on him.

“Hey Ollie, where is Ariana anyway? She too busy to visit her family tonight?”

He probably hadn’t meant it as a slight, but between the raw emotion of being back in this space and the haze of the alcohol, he felt his eyes moisten with tears of… something. Anger? Sadness? He wasn’t sure. He couldn’t think clearly, and the anxiety from that realisation made the rest of his emotions worse.

There was one thing he was sure of: he couldn’t cry in front of his father. It was something he’d never live down.

He clenched his fist and stood up, pushing his chair in so hard that it rattled his glass. “We got divorced.”

WIthout even taking a moment to look at his family or giving any of them a chance to ask any more questions, Oliver walked into his childhood bedroom out of sheer instinct.

They’d changed it, since he’d moved out. The filing cabinets and the desk in the corner were all new. Clearly his parents had been using it as a home office, but the walls were the same colour he’d picked out when he was six, and it even smelled the same. It wasn’t his safe space any more, but it was close enough.

As soon as he shut the door behind him, he fell to his knees and cried. God, even the carpet felt the same as it always had. He didn’t even care that the nearest box of tissues was a good yard away, on top of that invasive desk.

Perhaps he was crying for his lost relationship with Ariana. Perhaps he was crying for Amanda, who had probably never signed up for any of this when she’d started dating Michael. Perhaps he was crying for himself, his inability to tell anyone the truth about himself, his divorce, the man he’d come to love. It was like a lifetime of lies had finally snapped into sharp focus and he realised just how much was denied him by being forced into a life that wasn’t his, a life that wasn’t meant for him and that he’d never asked for.

As the initial shock had finally subsided, he pulled out his phone. He couldn’t be alone in this. He needed to talk to someone, so he punched Elio’s number into the keypad. Was it stupid, to memorise someone’s number in the age of cellphones and contacts? He didn’t care.

_“Oliver?”_

Elio’s voice rang out clear as a bell, and Oliver had to clench his fists to stop himself from starting to cry again. He’d abandoned the boy: he had absolutely no reason to pick up and yet he had. What had Oliver ever done to deserve him?

“I can’t do this, Elio.”

His voice came out as a weak croak. Perhaps he’d been crying for longer than he’d thought.

_“Is everything alright? Did someone hurt you?”_

“I’m fine. No one hurt me. I just…” He took a breath. “I can’t live like this, Elio. They don’t know…” He couldn’t even say it within the confines of this house. Why was it having such an effect on him? Shouldn’t he be stronger than this? He hadn’t called this place home since high school, but it was like the memories had embedded themselves into the building’s very foundation.

_“You don’t have to, Oliver. You’re your own person. You don’t have to see them ever again.”_

“I know I just…. I hate this. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them… To tell them about you. And my brother brought home some sweet sorority girl and… I don’t know, why couldn’t I just be like that?”

 _“You just aren’t Oliver.”_ Elio’s tone was sympathetic. _“And you shouldn’t have to be. You’re happy, aren’t you? When we’re together?”_

Oliver sniffed. He felt pathetic. “I am. I’m so happy, Elio.”

_“Then you don’t need any of that. There are people here who love you for who you are. Ariana, me, and I’m sure there are plenty of others. You don’t need those people, not if they make you feel like this.”_

He took a breath and stood up, finally wiping his face off. “Yeah, you’re right. I probably… I probably should cut them out. Should’ve done that a long time ago. I tried to, you know. When Ari and I were married.” Now he was just rambling, but he was glad to have someone to talk to.

_“Why did you come back?”_

Oliver thought for a moment, fighting the fog of wine and anxiety. “I thought… I thought maybe they’d changed. It’s been a long time since I’ve last seen them, and I wanted to give them another chance.”

_“I’m guessing they fucked that up, huh?”_

“The moment I walked in the door, my father chastised me for not being here earlier. And my mom just kind of.. Let it happen. And my brother has this sweet sorority girl that he’s dragged into this. And of course, my parents love her more than they ever loved Ari and far more than they’d love you.”

_“Then fuck them. If they can’t accept the people who are important to you and they can’t accept you as you are, they’re not worth your time. You gave them a chance to be better and the flung it right back in your face.”_

“Yeah. I guess.” Oliver took a breath. “...have I told you that I love you yet? Because I do. I love you, Elio.”

He heard Elio’s warm chuckle through the phone. _“Have you been drinking?”_

“Yeah. But I mean it. I love you so much.”

_“No, you haven’t said it yet. But I’m glad you did. I love you too, Oliver.”_

A sudden feeling of warmth burst in Oliver’s chest. He hugged the phone, which would have made him feel more self conscious if he were sober. “You really mean that?”

_“Of course I do. You’re… you make me feel less alone. And even though I’ve started making some friends, there’s no one quite like you. So yeah, I love you.”_

He wiped the last remnants of tears from his face. “When I get home, I’m gonna give you a kiss, you hear?”

Elio laughed again. _“We should get you drunk more often. You’re so mushy.”_

Oliver was about to say something when he heard a knock at the door, followed by Sadie’s voice.

“Hey Olz? You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m feeling better. You can come in.” He was tempted to hang up on Elio, but this was his last night with his family. Let her know the truth.

She sat beside Oliver on the floor. “Everything okay? You just kind of bolted.”

He took a breath. “Things are okay now. I had to call…” He trailed off before steeling himself. “I had to call my boyfriend. He helped calm me down.”

It took a moment for his words to sink in. “Oh. Is that why you and Ari..?”

“Him specifically, no. Me liking guys, yes.” He kept his gaze down, careful not to meet her eyes. “We’re still on good terms, though. She was just up here the other week.”

He was ready for her to berate him, to throw slurs at him until he couldn’t see straight, but stead he just felt her arm drape around his shoulder and pull him close. “Well, you’re still my brother, and the only person in this damn family that I ever want to talk to again.”

He looked at her and smiled. Her expression was warm and accepting, and it almost made him start crying again. He hadn’t felt this sense of belonging before in this house. “Thanks.”

“I meant to tell you this at some point, but I guess right now is as good a time as any.” She took a breath. “I’m not going to be here for the holidays next year. Or after that. I’m eloping, and I’d like you to be one of my witnesses.”

Oliver’s eyes widened. Sadie has always been such a shy child. Even up through high school, he’d never known her to do anything to upset their family or break the rules. In a way, he was proud of her. She was brave enough to cut their family out of her life, and knowing her, she’d probably stick to that promise. But there was one more question on his mind. “Who are you marrying?”

She smiled. “I’m glad you asked.” Sadie pulled out her phone and handed it to him. The picture on the screen was of her in the arms of a young black man about her height. Sadie was smiling wider than he’d ever seen her, and he was kissing her blond hair. “His name is Noah. I could never bring him home to Mom and Dad.”

Oliver passed the phone back. “Because he’s black?”

Sadie sighed. “No, it’s not just that. He’s trans. And, I mean, maybe I’d trust our parents to play nice with a black cis man or a white trans guy, but both? I just can’t do that to him. And I know he’s been on hormones for a while and he’s had top surgery but… I don’t feel right asking him to hide that part of himself.”

Oliver nodded solemnly. “I know the feeling. I felt so guilty leaving Elio home alone tonight.”

She smiled. “Well, if he still answered your call after you left him behind, he couldn’t have minded that much.”

Oliver rubbed the screen of his phone fondly, as if it were a surrogate for Elio. “He told me he loves me.”

Sadie bumped her shoulder against his. “Well, maybe next year we’ll have Hannukah with me and Noah and you and Elio, and Mom and Dad will be so busy shoving their heads up Michael and Amanda’s asses that they’ll hardly notice we’re missing.”

Oliver let out a chuckle. “Yeah. Maybe.”

She squoze her brother’s shoulder. “Seriously, though. We’ve always been a team, Olz. Even when I was just your kid sister, you were always in my corner. And I’ll always be in yours, okay?”

He smiled and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

He took half an hour to sober up before heading back onto the road. It wasn’t as long as he would have liked, but it felt good to walk out of that house without looking back. He heard it all: his mother pleading, Michael trying to apologise, his father saying he was being overdramatic. And maybe he was, but goddamnit, it was better than staying here.

The ride back was far too quiet. He’d grown so used to Elio picking the music when they drove together that it just felt wrong to play anything without him.

It was late by the time he’d pulled back into the parking spot in front of his building. He used the flashlight on his phone as he tiptoed up the stairs, careful not to wake Elio. The boy had promised to stay awake for him, but Oliver knew it was likely that he’d fallen asleep. It was late, and they’d already had a pretty long day.

He opened the door to find the only light in the apartment coming from the dying embers of Hannukah candles. Oliver smiled to himself. Elio must’ve dug his menorah out of some deep recess of his closet.

Oliver walked over to go try and smother them out when he noticed another light out of the corner of his eye. It was Elio’s phone lying on his chest, playing what looked to be a video. He had his headphones in, but his phone was resting face up on his chest.

He’d fallen asleep trying to stay up for Oliver.

Oliver couldn’t help but smile at that thought.

He walked over and gently nudged Elio. “Hey, did you fall asleep on me?”

Elio laughed and put his headphones around his neck. “Fuck, sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s late.” He took Elio’s hand and rubbed it with his thumb.”I can't thank you enough for getting on the phone with me.”

“It was nothing. You were upset, and I was missing you a lot.”

“I needed to hear it from you, though. Thank you.” He pressed a kiss to the top of Elio’s head. “Do you want to get to bed?”

He let out a yawn. “I wanted to surprise you with a makeout session, but I’m not sure I’m awake enough for that.”

“It’s the thought that counts.” He scooped up Elio bridal style and brought him to his chest. Oliver wasn’t the strongest man in the world, but the kid weighed next to nothing in his arms. “Now come on, let’s get some rest.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> Here are [my social media](https://linktr.ee/Binary_Sunset)


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